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I Dated Another Man

I had a date today because I’m getting tired of keeping myself on the past limbo. Because I’m beginning to believe that you have succeeded to put me aside from your heart. 

I dated another man because I could not filled those holes in your soul, more tattered than your favorite undershirt. Because the only thing that you think can filled those holes in your sales are your success in your career.

I dated another man, I know him from a friend, like you. Single, 170 cm, had a good career that would make him stays here even without me begging him to. His hobbies included working out, like you and it shown.He like to go watch movies, like you, he had ask me out for a next movie date even on our first date. He’s born at the same country as you, had the same race, with even his face resemblances you. With all of these traits showed up, I knew I’d just be grasping at lingering traces of your shadow.I suspected that your hologram is hiding underneath those perfect 70 kg frame of flesh sitting besides me. His eyes weren’t dead, but they are not yours.

Later on that evening, he bring me to his apartment for a sip of wine. I wish it was your apartment instead. I wondered what you are doing as I sit on the couch viewing the best view of Jakarta from the 19th floor of one most prestigious apartment in town. Yours was 18th in the same area. Were you meeting with your instructor? Other captains? Were you bored randomly clicking away the sites you always visit? Were you updating your facebook status? Had you had lunch? Were you thinking of me? He kissed me on the cheek and ask me what I am thinking. I said the Jakarta’s view.

I wore the very same dress the last time I saw you. So everytime I see that dress hanging on my closet, I remember that it had been worn to impressed two different men. Not just you. Though you were the one in my mind when I bought the dress, I didn’t want you to have the previlege anymore of being so precious. You are not anymore. I dated another man. I let him kiss me so I could have my revenge.

He took his time to let me make myself comfortable, he kissed my lips I took in his warm breath. He hugged me tight and I tugged his hair, making sure that he was real, to remind myself that it wasn’t you. I closed my eyes and everytime he tells a joke I fake giggle to convince him I enjoyed his accompanion as much as he did. He intertwined his fingers to mine, it has the same size as yours, I started to look him in his eye, and touch his shoulder and felt familiarity because they were shaped like yours. I couldn’t stop comparing. In between those gazes, I remember the last time you kissed me. I wish so hard it was you instead. 

He caressed my hair and kiss my forehead, he gently kissed my lips to my neck, and it was then I missed you the most. Oh god, I missed you. Being in the arms of someone else makes your absence seems more real. But his passion wasn’t fake. He kissed and kissed. and within those times I know that I will be his favorite person. He wanted me. You no longer do.

He cooked for me dinner and we had our wine. My head is now resting on his chest, and my legs coiled around his lower body as we watch the serial that you also loved, in your couch, back at your apartment. And I know I could do this over and over again with another man and I will never still find you. I hated myself. I hated for you not being here. My heart couldn’t contain the anger that it flooded to my eyes. I started crying quietly. I didn’t want him to see. It has nothing to do with him. So I tell him that I was sleepy and I turn my back on him, he hugged my back. He embraced me still, and he didn’t know I was crying. I hated you more.

I dated another man. We had sushi and tea a day later. I saw signs that he wanted to keep me. He started to make plans. He asked me to go out of town with him. He asked if I like the beaches or the mountain and he would take me there. He asked that I can sleepover at his place anytime, we can share the same room or I can even had my own room. I told him if I ever sleep over I will make him foods. It was half lie and half empty promises. As the day gets darker, he walk me back to my car, kissed me gently and said he will missed me the moment that I left. I was going home with his skin, his hair, his scent on my body. I dated another man. He was ready to give me everything you could never do. But I didn’t want him to. He could be everything I wished for, I wanted. But I still wanted you.

Keep on going till you’re gone

Even when you think it’s wrong

When you look back in regret

The moment that you left

Change your mind..

Baby, don’t come back this time

Don’t wanna have to say goodbye, all over again

So if you think there’s still a chance to make it right

And I’m the only one you want tonight

Change your mind.

In the early morning haze,

When my kiss is all you crave,

Let it go…

An open letter to the past

I am bravely writing today, to finally acknowledge that you are a past. That I’m gonna tuck you in a box, and neatly wrap the box with a very fancy ribbon. But before that happens, I am leaving this letter for you. We can call it closure, we can call it retribution of the past, we can call it closure or anything. We can call it anything but hope, for you are not staying here.

Your pyramid of memories isn’t completely toxic tho. I will keep the best ones with me but the weigh of it is anchoring me down. I am drowning in the pool of old love while I was trying to swim in the waters of new love - I am tired enough to let you go.

Don’t misunderstood me, you still ignite fire in my mind every time I recall about you. Memories of friend’s weddings, birthdays, first kisses, memories of the achievements we both gain, the first touch, memories of all the insides jokes and all the best kept secrets. Everything. But I guess sticking close to old flames memories gets me burned.

I admit that I am also worried of losing the most not-so-favorable part of you. As time travel, you are losing your edge. You are so certain that your future will be so bright and I am not resenting you for not putting me in the picture. I understand for every reason that you had even though some people would want me to resent you. But here I am, I am a woman with an open box and open mind, sadly also with a wounded hurt.

You are not regretted or resented. I am thankful to have to carry this weigh for some time that it taught me something. You may be losing your structure but you make me into a more complete person and I am forever thankful of that - but I am not forever yours. I may open your box just to add some memories or to remind me of why I am who I am, but a moment is all I need.

You also know that I will love someone until my heart overflows. I want so much but I am so sorry that you cannot join me. :)