i want to wear your hoodies and stay up talking about the universe with you until 3 am and i want to hold your hand and kiss your face and hug you when im sad and have marathons of our favourite shows
"Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes."
I Dated Another Man
I had a date today because I’m getting tired of keeping myself on the past limbo. Because I’m beginning to believe that you have succeeded to put me aside from your heart.
I dated another man because I could not filled those holes in your soul, more tattered than your favorite undershirt. Because the only thing that you think can filled those holes in your sales are your success in your career.
I dated another man, I know him from a friend, like you. Single, 170 cm, had a good career that would make him stays here even without me begging him to. His hobbies included working out, like you and it shown.He like to go watch movies, like you, he had ask me out for a next movie date even on our first date. He’s born at the same country as you, had the same race, with even his face resemblances you. With all of these traits showed up, I knew I’d just be grasping at lingering traces of your shadow.I suspected that your hologram is hiding underneath those perfect 70 kg frame of flesh sitting besides me. His eyes weren’t dead, but they are not yours.
Later on that evening, he bring me to his apartment for a sip of wine. I wish it was your apartment instead. I wondered what you are doing as I sit on the couch viewing the best view of Jakarta from the 19th floor of one most prestigious apartment in town. Yours was 18th in the same area. Were you meeting with your instructor? Other captains? Were you bored randomly clicking away the sites you always visit? Were you updating your facebook status? Had you had lunch? Were you thinking of me? He kissed me on the cheek and ask me what I am thinking. I said the Jakarta’s view.
I wore the very same dress the last time I saw you. So everytime I see that dress hanging on my closet, I remember that it had been worn to impressed two different men. Not just you. Though you were the one in my mind when I bought the dress, I didn’t want you to have the previlege anymore of being so precious. You are not anymore. I dated another man. I let him kiss me so I could have my revenge.
He took his time to let me make myself comfortable, he kissed my lips I took in his warm breath. He hugged me tight and I tugged his hair, making sure that he was real, to remind myself that it wasn’t you. I closed my eyes and everytime he tells a joke I fake giggle to convince him I enjoyed his accompanion as much as he did. He intertwined his fingers to mine, it has the same size as yours, I started to look him in his eye, and touch his shoulder and felt familiarity because they were shaped like yours. I couldn’t stop comparing. In between those gazes, I remember the last time you kissed me. I wish so hard it was you instead.
He caressed my hair and kiss my forehead, he gently kissed my lips to my neck, and it was then I missed you the most. Oh god, I missed you. Being in the arms of someone else makes your absence seems more real. But his passion wasn’t fake. He kissed and kissed. and within those times I know that I will be his favorite person. He wanted me. You no longer do.
He cooked for me dinner and we had our wine. My head is now resting on his chest, and my legs coiled around his lower body as we watch the serial that you also loved, in your couch, back at your apartment. And I know I could do this over and over again with another man and I will never still find you. I hated myself. I hated for you not being here. My heart couldn’t contain the anger that it flooded to my eyes. I started crying quietly. I didn’t want him to see. It has nothing to do with him. So I tell him that I was sleepy and I turn my back on him, he hugged my back. He embraced me still, and he didn’t know I was crying. I hated you more.
I dated another man. We had sushi and tea a day later. I saw signs that he wanted to keep me. He started to make plans. He asked me to go out of town with him. He asked if I like the beaches or the mountain and he would take me there. He asked that I can sleepover at his place anytime, we can share the same room or I can even had my own room. I told him if I ever sleep over I will make him foods. It was half lie and half empty promises. As the day gets darker, he walk me back to my car, kissed me gently and said he will missed me the moment that I left. I was going home with his skin, his hair, his scent on my body. I dated another man. He was ready to give me everything you could never do. But I didn’t want him to. He could be everything I wished for, I wanted. But I still wanted you.